My Father's Promise

  Loosing my daughter is the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I've least expected something like that happen to me, but it happened. I lost my dear Abby - My heart has been torn, my spirit weakened and my fears darkened. I have felt broken, shattered into pieces. Abby became a huge part of my life, I was a breastfeeding mother and stayed home to care for her. She was a top priority in my life. I cherished those moments of happiness with Abby. So now, my new normal is to only remember Abby's experiences instead of creating them. I will always hold on to her memories! She's still in my heart and she will always have that place in my heart. 

  My next step has been the scariest yet incredible journey thus so far! I've had thoughts which I've never thought before, I've fear things that I never feared before and I felt more davastated than I ever have before. But I am healing! Through this healing process, I keep finding God's promise for me that He will never leave me nor forsake me, 

 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." -Deuteronomy 31:6

 There are a few times since Abby's passing that God seemed silent or He couldn't hear me. I now understand David's fear of being left alone by God in the midst of davastation and fear,

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish? My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest." - Psalm 22:1-2

  But maybe those were the times when God was at the doorstep of my heart, waiting for me to surrender my sorrows to Him. That's all He wanted from me--my burdens. Just like any parent wants when you see a child suffering, all you want to do is take away their pain and sorrows. You'd carry those burdens no matter how heavy they are, that's exactly what my Heavenly Father is doing for me! Once those burdens are lifted, all the peace and joy runs like a river in my soul. 

  I still every now and then feel a bit of love missing from Abby, but the love of my Father is greater! 


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Spiritual Curses

My Facebook post from September 19, 2014:

Today my devotional is so GOOD! The Holy Spirit revealed a lot of things about myself that I didn't know before and I now understand how my fleshly mind works.

Christ is constantly fighting for our soul, there are spiritual battles we are facing every minute of our day whether we know it or not. Sometimes there are victories, sometimes we are defeated and sometimes we face the same battle that seems to have no end. There are curses we are bound by which comes from sin. It's like karma, you commit a sin, sinful things happen in your life. It's not judgement, this is truth!

So how do I break away from my curses? How can I stop these sinful things that seem to haunt me? First of all, it helps to understand how the fleshly mind works. It is written in the Bible:

"For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.  Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God." -Romans 8:6-8

The flesh is sinful, we as physical beings are sinful by nature. It's a curse which Adam and Eve passed down for generations, which we cannot break. My sinful nature is not pleasing to God, my fleshly mind, which lives in material things or our material world, is not pleasing to God. So I'm a cursed, horrible, sinful human being which I cannot break away from, it sounds like a nightmare! And it is without Christ! But here comes the beautiful part!

I am loved for who I am, what I been, where I'm going and where my mind is! I am loved by God! And I am so loved that He gave me His grace and mercy so my soul and spirit can be at peace! I can rest my soul and spirit with peace because I am saved!

Even though I am saved, I'm still facing battles in my daily life and only Christ(and I repeat) ONLY Christ can win victories for my soul! Sometimes it feels like the closer the relationship I have with Christ the harder the battles become. Sometimes it seems easier to give up than to keep fighting. That's my curse which my fleshly mind tends to think. I tend to get comfortable with my material mind and just because I'm not thinking about my battles, doesn't mean there's no battles going on for my soul. In fact ignoring the battles is worse than giving up. I know this because I lost my physical being daughter over spiritual battles I been ignoring. It's my biggest curse!

I'm not trying to judge if you felt something from that statement, I'm stating truth behind my own curses and battles. It may sound dramatic, but I'm revealing what the Holy Spirit is feeding me!

This is why I felt guilt, shame, regret, anger, depressed, devastated and grieved. But I am forgiven! God has forgiven me and I forgive myself! For I nurture myself in the Holy Spirit so I can nurture others, for I love myself in the Holy Spirit so I can love others. For I am at peace with the Holy Spirit.

Thanks fOr REadIng!

Do Not Worry

This was my Facebook which was posted on September 18. 2014:

My devotional today was talking about worry. It's so natural as human beings to worry about what will happen, worry about our future, we tend to have securities in things such as money, education, medication, etc. I for one struggle with worry of finances. After Abby's passing, I was scared what that was with our financial situation. The day after Abby's passing, I cried out to God "Father, Derek and I are not strong enough financially to give our daughter a proper funeral." He listened and answered!! To all the amazing people who donated towards her beautiful service and burial, God brought them to our aid! We had just enough donations to cover the necessary costs of Abby's funeral and for all her hospital bills! This verse is so touching to my heart and this experience was so real to me! God only provides what you need and at the right time of need! 

Matthew 6:25-34

Do Not Worry
25 “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
31 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

"When you worry, you're saying "I don't trust You, God." So pray instead of worrying." - Thelma Wells

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A Test of Faith

I been doing some reading about "Faith", there is something significant about it. Sometimes faith is about just putting one foot in front of the other, sometimes it's something bigger and better. I like to think of the analogy of sitting on a chair. You don't think about it, you don't question it, you just sit on the chair knowing it will hold you. Whether you sit on a chair at the dinner table to eat or to sit on a chair at your desk, you never worry about the security of that chair. God is our chair. He wants us to sit at His chair without question and without doubt of His security.

Faith is a huge part of being a Christian. Abraham's faith was tested by God to sacrifice his only son, Isaac. (Genesis 22:1-19) Abraham followed through what God has commanded til the angel of the Lord stopped Abraham in the moment he was about strike Issac and provided a lamb for the sacrifice before the Lord. To think of it, your only biological child to be sacrificed. Giving up your child to be sacrificed. It's so hard to think about giving up your only son. But it gets better...

"By faith Abraham, when he was tested, offered up Isaac, and he who had received the promises offered up his only begotten son, "of whom it was said, “In Isaac your seed shall be called,” concluding that God was able to raise him up, even from the dead, from which he also received him in a figurative sense." -Hebrews 11:17-19

It is written in Hebrews that Abraham knew God would bring his son, Isaac to life. Abraham sat on the "chair" of faith and he had no doubt in his mind that the Lord will provide a way to reunite with his son again. Back to Genesis 22, because Abraham shown such faith, the Lord's blessing passed through all Abraham's descendants. That is mind blowing!! That is faith we as believers need to have!

Faith in prayers are important. Have you ever felt your prayers were never being heard nor were answered? Faith starts with surrendering, give up your desires, goals, fears, hopes, everything and the Lord shall bless you with more than you can ask for. Faith is about trusting in Him to do the job.

Here's other examples in Hebrews 11 of great people who followed God and lived BY FAITH:

"²⁰ By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau concerning things to come.""²¹ By faith Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of the sons of Joseph, and worshiped, leaning on the top of his staff.""²² By faith Joseph, when he was dying, made mention of the departure of the children of Israel, and gave instructions concerning his bones."

Even the faith of Moses:

"23 By faith Moses, when he was born, was hidden three months by his parents, because they saw he was a beautiful child; and they were not afraid of the king's command.
24 By faith Moses, when he became of age, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh's daughter, 25 choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God than to enjoy the passing pleasures of sin, 26 esteeming the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures in Egypt; for he looked to the reward.
27 By faith he forsook Egypt, not fearing the wrath of the king; for he endured as seeing Him who is invisible.
28 By faith he kept the Passover and the sprinkling of blood, lest he who destroyed the firstborn should touch them.
29 By faith they passed through the Res Sea as by dry land, whereas the Egyptians, attempting to do so, were drowned."

And by faith the overcame:

"30 By faith the walls of Jericho Fell Down after they were encircled for seven days.31 By faith the harlot of Rahab did not perish with those who did not believe, when she had received the spies with peace."

The beauty of faith id that you never loose. By faith, God is on your side and He will bless you. I love it!! It's been an amazing journey walking with God BY FAITH. He has blessed me with peace, comfort and love. I want to encourage you to follow Him BY FAITH. You shall be blessed for it! 

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My Father's Purpose

As I am continuing my life with Christ, I am using my old blog site to write my blog journal. I am reading my daily devotional book, "Jesus Calling". I haven't written on this blog site since 2009 but I am alive again to blog about my journey! 

 Here is a post I had posted on my Facebook on September 17, 2014:

"Loosing your daughter is not your business but it is God's business"

This statement hit home for me!! Brought a lot of deep issues in my heart to light. Let me explain why: I can control the little things, what clothes I put on, my make up, how I want my hair to look, my nails to look, even things like what food I eat, where I want to go, what I want to do, what people I want to hang around with. I can control the little things on my daily activity. There are some things I cant control. Here is THE one thing I can't control: time.

What is done in life is done, spent, put away but what really seems to sink in my heart is a longing and desire to go back in time, in a past event, a certain moment or memory. Some piece of information that I know today that would change the past. "If only I can go back in time...." I keep thinking this thought as though I am constraint from controlling time to visit a certain past time. It aches me that I can't go back to see my daughter again, it aches me that I can't change that moment of her passing so I can have her with me but I can't. That is out of my control.

There's a lot of guilt, shame, heartache, sadness that makes me think going back would make that go away, that somehow living in the past will make my life today better. But what I seem to forget is God is in control of time. It is His business what happens in time.

" And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

There's a greater purpose of Abby's passing. There is a greater love in that He gives whether its for a moment, a season or a lifetime. He sends people into our lives to show that love. Its a beautiful way the Holy Spirit works through His purpose. Abbys love may be for a season but her legacy of love will go on a lifetime. This is how Jesus is in our lives! His physical body is not with us on Earth but His legacy is being lived by those who love Him! This is God's purpose! "...Love one another..", "Love your neighbor as you love yourself...", "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not parish but have eternal life"

It's hard to understand why God allows those who love Him hurt. But when you give up and surrender to Him, you learn how to love others. You learn how to trust. You learn how to give faith. You learn how to be happy with yourself. You learn to be satisfied of the food which Holy Spirit provides. It is incredible!!

So the Holy Spirit spoke to me in my heart through that one statement. Today I'm surrendering myself to Him and my daughters loss is no longer my business but it is God's. Yes I will still miss her and love her but I am happy to have her for that season!! I feel so at peace today!

I belong in a greater purpose and I'm excited to see what God has in stored!!

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