Overwhelmed

I currently am reading through a book called "Overwhelmed" by Perry Noble. The Holy Spirit has been speaking to my heart through this book and I've been captivated by the burden Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego had to bare and yet stood true for God.

I've been able to put a face of why I feel overwhelmed.

I have been so overwhelmed with grief of my daughter's passing.
I have been overwhelmed with fear, anger, denial, sadness, guilt, shame, devastation, confusion and emotional pain.
I have been overwhelmed with stress of living this "new normal" without my dear Abby.
I have been overwhelmed by the spiritual battles I face on the daily bases.
I have been overwhelmed!
I've been so overwhelmed to the point that I start to think there is no more hope, no hope to keep on living. I've been in that dark place, while having visions of ways I could end myself. I was terrified! I was cornered by the enemy.

I did what I only knew to do, cry out to my Father.
"Father, I'm hurting. I'm in pain. I'm weak. I want this pain to go away. I'm tired of being overwhelmed, I'm tired of being angry, I'm tired of being depressed, I'm tired of carrying this burden. I'm just tired, Lord! Why must I be the one to bare this pain? Why must I loose my child? What have I done to suffer this?"

My Father spoke to me at that moment.
"You are Mine, a child of God. Let me in and I'll carry your burden for you."

"Father, why do you love me? Why do I matter to you? I'm just a pathetic lost human. I've failed to be a mother, I've failed you. Why do you love me?"

"You are not a failure in My eyes. I see you as a child of God who is going to do great things for My Kingdom. Let me bare your burden for I also lost my own Son."

At that moment, I felt the room lighten up. I felt His presence in my heart as though he was holding on to me. It was the first time my soul was calm. I felt peace at that moment.

In Isaiah 43:1-3, it was as though God repeated that verse to my heart. To imagine what burden the Isrealies had to bare when suffering through slavery, the abandonment in the dessert, loss of many in battles, they were also overwhelmed with grief. And God said fear not for He is with us in our tribulations.

1  But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
2  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
3  For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I gave Egypt for your ransom,
Ethiopia and Seba in your place.
Isaiah 43:1-3

The enemy continues to use my vulnerably against me, but I have my Father who is much bigger than my own tribulations. Peace comes in when I fear God instead of the enemy. I am His, and He is mine.

A Word From The Spiritual Crazy Lady

 The title above may seem a bit absurd, let me tell you, if you are not ready to read this post, it will sound absurd! Rest assured, I'm not mentally going crazy (at least I don't think) but sometimes I wonder. The incredible thing about being a Christian and walking with Christ, I start thinking things differently, I start seeing things differently, I start hearing things differently and I start having a heart change about certain issues in my life. That's all done by the Holy Spirit. It has taken a while to get me there, that's because I'm finally listening. 

 The other day as I was driving, I tuned-in on the radio. Normally I use the radio as background noise or listen to music to make my drive more interesting. I started really paying attention to the lyrics of each song and try to figure out the meaning behind it. It's no secret that 90% of songs on the radio have talked about sex. I know this because it was so hard to find a station (other than Christian radio) which didn't play music talking about sex.

 Here's something that really disturbed me. I looked up a few songs and words and meaning behind the lyrics. There are artists who invited satanic words into their lyrics and music. That alone is enough gateway to have demons come into your life without you realizing it. Maybe not in a manifestation (I believe if you have the Holy Spirit in you, He leaves no room for demons to possess your body) but giving demons ground in your heart will cloud your mind. You become blind, therefore causing sin.

 I've heard that even certain beats or bass can be a gateway for demons. I don't have facts or knowledge to know if that is actually true but I do believe that is a strong possibility.

 Since then, it has really bothered me to listen to those songs again. It's like I can't even stand listening to radio anymore because I now have different ears for it. Meaning I'm not allowing demons to take their place in my heart and mind.

 I'm not saying music in general is sinful, I'm simply saying as a Christian, it is my duty to stay away or close all gateways which invites those demons. Starting with, what I like to call, bad songs. If a song talks about sex, drugs, money, murder, cursing someone, satanic words, harm, than it's a bad song. Yes I said it, let me be crazy uptight for a sec. I have biblical verses to back me up:

  "But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your heart, do not boast and lie against the truth.
This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic.
For where envy and self seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there."
-James 3:14-16

Here's a great one:

"For many walk, of whom I have told you often, and now tell you even weeping, that they are the enemies of the cross of Christ:
  whose end is destruction, whose god is their belly, and whose glory is in their shame---who set their mind on earthly things.
For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ,
who will transform our lowly body that it may be conformed to His glorious body, according to the working by which He is able even to subdue all things to Himself."  -Philippians 3:18-21

 So I conclude this by saying, I have a citizenship in heaven, my life is only temporary on this earth. I will not give gateway to my heart for the enemy. I'm giving my heart to Christ. I'm surrendering myself to my Heavenly Father. I'm finally hearing the Holy Spirit speaking to me and my actions. Thank You, Lord Jesus!

Thanks fOr REadIng

My Father's Helper

Jesus promises another Helper

"If you love Me, keep My commandments. And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever--- the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you. I will not leave you orphans, I will come to you." -John 14:15-18

 This is a promise which Jesus said to His disciples, unfortunately they did not understand what that meant until Christ's crucification. Sometimes you are not meant to understand a promise, you are not meant to understand when a promise seems broken. That's when He wants you to trust in Him. Jesus is the most trustworthy human being who walked on this earth and yet those who listened to Jesus and didn't trust him, missed out on something wonderful!

 The Holy Spirit (or Spirit of truth) is Jesus Christ in a spirit form. I can't imagine life without the Holy Spirit. He teaches your heart what is right and wrong, that is called "your conscience ". I've felt a conviction in my heart for things that are not pleasing my Father. It's the way I mature in my life, that is how I grow and strengthen my faith.

 The Holy Spirit also brings peace in your heart. There's something about trust and faith that gives a sense of peace in mind and in heart. When I surrendered my fears, concerns, goals, plans, the Holy Spirit (my Father's Helper) gave me a sense of peace. It's like after giving up a burden, He grabbed me into His arms and said, "it will be ok".

  The Holy Spirit brings joy in your heart. I have enjoyed the presence of other Christians because they also have the Holy Spirit in their heart. It really makes me energized to be in that company. I also know how to laugh more. As the saying goes, "laughter is good for the soul". So true! It's feeding your soul with the nutrients your heart and soul needs. It feels like drinking an ice cold beverage on a hot and sunny day.

  I also have learned how to "let it go", anger, grudges, hurt, heart ache - it damages your soul to hang on to these. When I let go to many of these, what I like to call, viruses, a sense of contentment and happiness sinks in. Anger is the deadliest virus you can hang onto and destroys relationships. Instead I've enjoyed being with the people who hurt me, angered me, I've been bitter towards but I've let it go.

  Even when I'm not listening to the convictions of the Holy Spirit or listening to the promptings, He is so patient with me. The Spirit of Truth is so gentle with my heart and soul and bring goodness and blessings to my life. These are fruits of the spirit which the Holy Spirit gives my soul. I don't deserve this love but my Heavenly Father is so merciful to me.

Jesus' promise is living through our lives today and again I really don't know life without the Holy Spirit.

Thanks fOr REadIng

My Father's Promise

  Loosing my daughter is the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I've least expected something like that happen to me, but it happened. I lost my dear Abby - My heart has been torn, my spirit weakened and my fears darkened. I have felt broken, shattered into pieces. Abby became a huge part of my life, I was a breastfeeding mother and stayed home to care for her. She was a top priority in my life. I cherished those moments of happiness with Abby. So now, my new normal is to only remember Abby's experiences instead of creating them. I will always hold on to her memories! She's still in my heart and she will always have that place in my heart. 

  My next step has been the scariest yet incredible journey thus so far! I've had thoughts which I've never thought before, I've fear things that I never feared before and I felt more davastated than I ever have before. But I am healing! Through this healing process, I keep finding God's promise for me that He will never leave me nor forsake me, 

 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." -Deuteronomy 31:6

 There are a few times since Abby's passing that God seemed silent or He couldn't hear me. I now understand David's fear of being left alone by God in the midst of davastation and fear,

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish? My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest." - Psalm 22:1-2

  But maybe those were the times when God was at the doorstep of my heart, waiting for me to surrender my sorrows to Him. That's all He wanted from me--my burdens. Just like any parent wants when you see a child suffering, all you want to do is take away their pain and sorrows. You'd carry those burdens no matter how heavy they are, that's exactly what my Heavenly Father is doing for me! Once those burdens are lifted, all the peace and joy runs like a river in my soul. 

  I still every now and then feel a bit of love missing from Abby, but the love of my Father is greater! 


Thanks fOr REadIng!

Spiritual Curses

My Facebook post from September 19, 2014:

Today my devotional is so GOOD! The Holy Spirit revealed a lot of things about myself that I didn't know before and I now understand how my fleshly mind works.

Christ is constantly fighting for our soul, there are spiritual battles we are facing every minute of our day whether we know it or not. Sometimes there are victories, sometimes we are defeated and sometimes we face the same battle that seems to have no end. There are curses we are bound by which comes from sin. It's like karma, you commit a sin, sinful things happen in your life. It's not judgement, this is truth!

So how do I break away from my curses? How can I stop these sinful things that seem to haunt me? First of all, it helps to understand how the fleshly mind works. It is written in the Bible:

"For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.  Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God." -Romans 8:6-8

The flesh is sinful, we as physical beings are sinful by nature. It's a curse which Adam and Eve passed down for generations, which we cannot break. My sinful nature is not pleasing to God, my fleshly mind, which lives in material things or our material world, is not pleasing to God. So I'm a cursed, horrible, sinful human being which I cannot break away from, it sounds like a nightmare! And it is without Christ! But here comes the beautiful part!

I am loved for who I am, what I been, where I'm going and where my mind is! I am loved by God! And I am so loved that He gave me His grace and mercy so my soul and spirit can be at peace! I can rest my soul and spirit with peace because I am saved!

Even though I am saved, I'm still facing battles in my daily life and only Christ(and I repeat) ONLY Christ can win victories for my soul! Sometimes it feels like the closer the relationship I have with Christ the harder the battles become. Sometimes it seems easier to give up than to keep fighting. That's my curse which my fleshly mind tends to think. I tend to get comfortable with my material mind and just because I'm not thinking about my battles, doesn't mean there's no battles going on for my soul. In fact ignoring the battles is worse than giving up. I know this because I lost my physical being daughter over spiritual battles I been ignoring. It's my biggest curse!

I'm not trying to judge if you felt something from that statement, I'm stating truth behind my own curses and battles. It may sound dramatic, but I'm revealing what the Holy Spirit is feeding me!

This is why I felt guilt, shame, regret, anger, depressed, devastated and grieved. But I am forgiven! God has forgiven me and I forgive myself! For I nurture myself in the Holy Spirit so I can nurture others, for I love myself in the Holy Spirit so I can love others. For I am at peace with the Holy Spirit.

Thanks fOr REadIng!

Do Not Worry

This was my Facebook which was posted on September 18. 2014:

My devotional today was talking about worry. It's so natural as human beings to worry about what will happen, worry about our future, we tend to have securities in things such as money, education, medication, etc. I for one struggle with worry of finances. After Abby's passing, I was scared what that was with our financial situation. The day after Abby's passing, I cried out to God "Father, Derek and I are not strong enough financially to give our daughter a proper funeral." He listened and answered!! To all the amazing people who donated towards her beautiful service and burial, God brought them to our aid! We had just enough donations to cover the necessary costs of Abby's funeral and for all her hospital bills! This verse is so touching to my heart and this experience was so real to me! God only provides what you need and at the right time of need! 

Matthew 6:25-34

Do Not Worry
25 “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
31 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

"When you worry, you're saying "I don't trust You, God." So pray instead of worrying." - Thelma Wells

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A Test of Faith

I been doing some reading about "Faith", there is something significant about it. Sometimes faith is about just putting one foot in front of the other, sometimes it's something bigger and better. I like to think of the analogy of sitting on a chair. You don't think about it, you don't question it, you just sit on the chair knowing it will hold you. Whether you sit on a chair at the dinner table to eat or to sit on a chair at your desk, you never worry about the security of that chair. God is our chair. He wants us to sit at His chair without question and without doubt of His security.

Faith is a huge part of being a Christian. Abraham's faith was tested by God to sacrifice his only son, Isaac. (Genesis 22:1-19) Abraham followed through what God has commanded til the angel of the Lord stopped Abraham in the moment he was about strike Issac and provided a lamb for the sacrifice before the Lord. To think of it, your only biological child to be sacrificed. Giving up your child to be sacrificed. It's so hard to think about giving up your only son. But it gets better...

"By faith Abraham, when he was tested, offered up Isaac, and he who had received the promises offered up his only begotten son, "of whom it was said, “In Isaac your seed shall be called,” concluding that God was able to raise him up, even from the dead, from which he also received him in a figurative sense." -Hebrews 11:17-19

It is written in Hebrews that Abraham knew God would bring his son, Isaac to life. Abraham sat on the "chair" of faith and he had no doubt in his mind that the Lord will provide a way to reunite with his son again. Back to Genesis 22, because Abraham shown such faith, the Lord's blessing passed through all Abraham's descendants. That is mind blowing!! That is faith we as believers need to have!

Faith in prayers are important. Have you ever felt your prayers were never being heard nor were answered? Faith starts with surrendering, give up your desires, goals, fears, hopes, everything and the Lord shall bless you with more than you can ask for. Faith is about trusting in Him to do the job.

Here's other examples in Hebrews 11 of great people who followed God and lived BY FAITH:

"²⁰ By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau concerning things to come.""²¹ By faith Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of the sons of Joseph, and worshiped, leaning on the top of his staff.""²² By faith Joseph, when he was dying, made mention of the departure of the children of Israel, and gave instructions concerning his bones."

Even the faith of Moses:

"23 By faith Moses, when he was born, was hidden three months by his parents, because they saw he was a beautiful child; and they were not afraid of the king's command.
24 By faith Moses, when he became of age, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh's daughter, 25 choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God than to enjoy the passing pleasures of sin, 26 esteeming the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures in Egypt; for he looked to the reward.
27 By faith he forsook Egypt, not fearing the wrath of the king; for he endured as seeing Him who is invisible.
28 By faith he kept the Passover and the sprinkling of blood, lest he who destroyed the firstborn should touch them.
29 By faith they passed through the Res Sea as by dry land, whereas the Egyptians, attempting to do so, were drowned."

And by faith the overcame:

"30 By faith the walls of Jericho Fell Down after they were encircled for seven days.31 By faith the harlot of Rahab did not perish with those who did not believe, when she had received the spies with peace."

The beauty of faith id that you never loose. By faith, God is on your side and He will bless you. I love it!! It's been an amazing journey walking with God BY FAITH. He has blessed me with peace, comfort and love. I want to encourage you to follow Him BY FAITH. You shall be blessed for it! 

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